I’m back in London after a month away, and let’s just say everything is a bit different. Deep down I knew that was going to be the case. When I left London it was Christmas season, I tolerated the cold weather because the city was lit up and magical. I was also seeing the gorgeous lawyer and finished the year with the loves my life, the girls. I was settled and happy. In fact, I was so happy that the thought of having to leave London for a month was devastating. I was on a high before I left and while sometimes it doesn’t feel the best to hit a low, it is important. It’s in that time that we start to learn a bit about ourselves. So that’s what I am doing right now.
After getting back to London, I spent the first couple of days suffering from severe jet lag. I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. It was during this time that I realised I am oddly more terrified than I was when I first moved here last September. I felt as if I was truly alone in London. While in reality that’s not entirely the case, it definitely felt like it. I’m sure I am not the only one but when I am tired I get myself into a bit of a funk and I get lazy. I am the type of person who gets upset when I don’t have any plans and upset when I do have plans. It’s an ongoing battle in my head on what I actually want to do. I had offers to go out and see people but I turned them down, I just wanted to be in bed overthinking myself into worry.
What has become extremely obvious to me is the importance of the girls in my life. They are a big part of what makes London so magical. I as a person suffer the worst FOMO (fear of missing out) known to man. And while I thought I was doing the mature and responsible thing by saying no to Michelle’s Amsterdam birthday weekend, I’m full of regret. Truthfully, I didn’t think the combination of jetlag and a weekend in Amsterdam was a good way to start my new internship on Monday.
One of the biggest changes has been the situation with the lawyer. We all knew things were not going to last and that was painfully obvious, very early on. I kept holding on though and to his credit so did he. It’s taken me a bit of time to realise why I did fight for it to work. And It wasn’t until he ended it that I actually realised that I maybe was not really into him. Unlike when things have ended with other guys I didn’t cry, I wasn’t even hurt. If im honest I was actually relieved. I didn’t have to stress and pretend anymore that everything was working.
It’s not his fault (even though it’s easy to cast blame) and it’s not mine (that’s a first) we are just two very different people, who expect different things and treat people very differently. I have also found British guys to be far more reserved in comparison to Australians. I’m so used to being vocal about things as I don’t think it’s healthy to bottle up whereas in London, they wait. I have also learnt that my type of sarcasm doesn’t seem to come across the way its intended, especially to the guys here. In reality, I realise this is not ideal as sarcasm is the only type of humour I know.
While I wasn’t hurt and I was oddly relieved I was still sad. I think the most upsetting thing in this whole situation was that I had lost a friend, one I didn’t need to lose. It made me realise that I didn’t actually really like him as any more than a good friend. I regret not listening to my head earlier on, I forced myself to start falling for him so I could get over Leicester boy (LB). I made excuses for his poor behaviour because I was clinging to anything to stop reminding me of LB.
Honestly, I would have enjoyed an actual friendship with him rather than the back and forward dating situation we got ourselves into, which turned out to be a complete mess. I think deep down even he didn’t like me that much and he was just as confused I was. Maybe like me he enjoyed the friendship and having me around as well? Maybe like he was for me I was his out of world friend.
While I have two solid group of friends here that mean everything to me and more. It was nice to have a friend outside of those groups. I think it’s always important to have those types of friends. Ones that are completely separate to your life, your world. It’s those kinds of people that you just hang out and chill with and that’s that. Your worlds never really collide but they are always there for you.
I have decided that life’s too short to be nasty or be rude to the lawyer. I realise that there is no need to play games or feel embarrassed that he ended it (even though sometimes it’s hard not to). I am going to put my pride behind me and I’ll get in touch with him. Ill offer to grab a tea, or maybe a strong drink would be a better option? Who knows he might not want anything to do with me and friendship may not even be an option. However, I’ll know that I have done the right thing for me and gone after the things that make me happy while I’m living in London.
At the end of the day, London can be lonely, I guess anywhere you are in this world can be lonely, even if you do have a close network of friends. However, loneliness in this situation if I’m entirely honest with myself was probably laziness. I did realise that it was entirely up to me to put myself out there. It was no one else’s fault that I was feeling upset and alone, and it’s not up to them to pull me out of bed.
In saying that, I have decided to practice what I preach….. and while It didn’t quite get off the best start, it poured with rain when I tried to go do my usual Saturday walk through Hyde Park. I did, however, grab the latest Cosmopolitan, curl up in bed with a hot tea before going out with beautiful Boston Penny.
So, London, while my first couple of days seem to have been the hardest yet. I’m back, I’m happy and I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me.
I’ll keep you posted.