I’ve found that life is not only like a box of chocolates but a board game as well. You can’t control the result, but the moves you make determine the outcome. Currently, like myself, a lot of my friends realise that the next decision we make changes our life completely. I think what makes this realisation scary is that it’s not an exaggeration. The problem for me is that decisions no matter how small are not my strong suit. Whether it be deciding on a cuisine to eat, a park to walk or the simplest of decisions choosing a drink on a date – I’m just plain awful.
However, this next decision I make is a bit bigger than that. I have to decide what my future looks like and where I see myself living in this world; London or Australia. When things seem to point in favour one way something or someone comes along to complicate things. We are thrown curveballs without warning, a bit like a monopoly chance card. Penny has fallen in love, out of nowhere and unexpectedly. It’s the type of love where you can’t imagine what life would be like without one and other. It’s beautiful and scary and for Penny its bittersweet. It was only several months earlier that she had decided that she would move back to the states. However, hailing from the states means she is attempting to navigate herself through a very tricky visa situation. Is this a blessing though? Her decision will be made for her by a completely impartial third party. For me though, as an Australian, it is not the trickiest thing to get a two-year visa.
I am just wanting someone to tell me what the right thing to do is. Do I continue to build a life here for the next two years working a job that does not really allow me to use my skills? or do I come home and work from the ground up in a career in broadcasting?
A concept in theory that sounds so easy ‘making a decision” has me paralysed with fear that I will make the wrong one. It is all I have thought about since February when the reality of what a lonely London looks like. I wake up and my brain generates a new question and demands answers I can’t seem to find within me. It’s frustrating when you don’t know what you want for yourself.
London while beautifully charismatic with a personality of its own is a lonely city when you feel like the only single woman left. Not looking for anyone, I seem to be the odd one out within my female friends, and I mean all of them. It also lacks the one thing that is most important to me, my family. However, in Australia, I’m at risk of falling back into old habits and turning back to what is comfortable.
I have realised that It won’t matter where I am in the world I still seem to be overcome with a sense of loneliness and displacement. A feeling that I can only hope fades with time when I discover what my purpose is.
Genie recently asked me what I liked about London in comparison to Australia. It didn’t take me much time to think before I looked at her and said, “for the first time I’m starting to feel like I can be myself” and it’s true. As ridiculous as it sounds, in London I can wholeheartedly be who I am with no judgment. I would hate to move back to Australia and lose this feeling. It has made me wonder if It would be possible to continue to grow as a person when you’re back in a comfortable environment like I would be back in Sydney.
The problem is I don’t want to live a life of ‘what if’ but I also don’t want to move back to London just because I can, or because want people to have a chance to miss me. My heart and head are telling me completely different things. I have sought advice from anyone who will listen. The one question I’m asked is “where you will be happiest”
What is happiness though, is it following our heads or our hearts?