There are some people that you meet in life where being comfortable and yourself comes so naturally, it scares you. It can be scary because as humans we instinctively have our guard up because we know the insecurity that comes with bringing that wall down. It can also be scary because what happens if the person on the other side does not feel that level of comfort or feel as at ease around you as quickly as what you felt. When you are unaware of where someone stands or of their feelings, it becomes a nauseatingly uneasy situation to be in.
With the ears I have bent I have learned that this (quite obviously) happens when we are talking about our relationships with the opposite sex whether that be platonic or romantic.
There are very few times I have felt that overwhelming sense of comfort around someone so quickly, and it usually comes down to a gut instinct. I have a belief that that particular person was supposed to be in my life in some sort of way for an extended period. Each time it has happened It has been a tough, tedious and long slog to convince the other person that I’m not wrong, in the end, I have almost always been met with a ‘you were right’ and gone on to have friendships or even relationships that are so beautiful and fulfilling it was worth all the emotional work. However, the older I am getting that confidence of being unrelenting and pushing something has been obliterated. I now see that vulnerability as humiliating and hurtful that I ever had to convince someone in the first place of the value I could bring to their life.
There are not many guys upon the first couple of meetings that I would just crawl into a bed with In full pajamas, no make-up and laugh while eating Nutella out of a jar from a shared spoon. Or would sit on skype with for hours at a time to try and pretend that long distance in whatever form whether that be friendship or a relationship would be manageable and work.
However, when I have done this with the right guys, it has never felt more natural, real and it warms my heart in such a way that when it inevitably ends, no matter how short the time duration of the friendship/ courtship it hurts, and very badly. I think that is because for a period albeit brief that person made you feel like it was okay to be you with no judgment, and now they are gone and that period is just a memory that is now tainted with pain. What causes this pain is knowing that the other person is oblivious to how you’re feeling and most likely is not hurting at all. What I struggle with is knowing that I wouldn’t be hurting if that person just treated me right in the first place.
When I reached out and talked to friends about when they have experienced this, it was hard not to become emotional. I soon realised that a lot of people are going through similar situations. People fighting to have someone in their lives and not receiving the same fight back after a beautiful and gut instinctive connection has been established. I found that the stories were similar in that they were not the kind of moments you see in movies; instead, they were unquestionably romantic for the people involved.
One of my favourite moments was two people meeting for the first time, grabbing sleeping bags and hauling them onto a filthy ground and then not sleeping a wink because they were so consumed with getting to know each other’s deepest thoughts and emotions. It inevitably ended with the guy now keeping the girl at arm’s length, with her unfairly having to stand by and be treated appallingly, unable to voice her upset with fear she will lose him forever.
This particular friend and I discussed this in depth. We struggled to comprehend how we both could have been with people who have shared such intimate information, allowed that level of comfort and intimacy and then been able to walk away, watching the friendship/relationship dissolve right in front of their eyes because of their own actions, or lack off. We are left wondering if we ever actually meant anything at all? Or if in their eyes we have any worth or value as a human being?
Now I am not generalising here; I more than understand that this is not specific to every male (especially because I have female friends who act similarly), but I think a lot of the time they are not able to see the value in us as people and what we can bring to their lives. In their defense, I think they have this belief that a friendship with someone that has started on such an intense level would come with far more strings than they would potentially want to commit to.
I can sort of understand this thought process to a point. However, I will never understand how someone is able to throw a potentially great relationship (platonic or romantic) away without actually giving it a go, seeing what happens, and experiencing the joy of knowing that the other person gets to be entirely themselves; happy, honest and in your life because they just want to keep getting to know you.
Unfortunately, we are stuck with very little room to move or vocalise our thoughts or feelings in these situations when they do come to a close. If we are to reach out, it can come across completely wrong and not at all how we wanted the message to be received. Rather than it being a gentle nudge, it can be intense and full on, especially if the person has been in your life for a very short period. It does get to a point where you just want to spell it out for them, shake their shoulders and say “Hey you, be a better friend! Treat me better because we have something here and it’s worth putting effort into, whether you realise it or not!.”
I guess where I am at right now, like a few of my friends, is trying to understand if it is time to accept that just because we know our guts are usually not wrong if a person wanted us to be in their life’s they would make it happen. They would treat us how we deserved, and it wouldn’t take any convincing?
At the end of the day, no one ever has too many friends, female or male. I can’t think of a much greater way for a foundation of a friendship to be built than because someone experiences such a sense of comfort, and ease around you that they wanted to keep you in their lives.
Regarding my friends or anyone reading this who is in a similar situation. If someone has not realised your value as a significant presence in their life whether you knew them for three weeks, two months or eight years, if you are now emotionally exhausted from trying to convince them of that value, understand that more fool them, it is their loss.
To have someone without motive or reason wanting to be there for them in the good, the bad and the ugly times is a blessing, not a curse and a compliment like no other. If they choose to exercise unnecessary cruelty and turn that proposition of a deep, meaningful friendship or connection down, deep down what kind of person are they?
A lot of the time we can only hope they just get it and they wake up, and it clicks, but if it doesn’t happen know, there is someone out there who is going to appreciate that love, kindness and incredible generosity of friendship that you’re ready to give.
At least we have to have hope that there is.
As always, I’ll keep you posted.
– M xx