Why me?

It is undeniably incredible how a single song can conjure up emotions and memories buried so deeply that even the scars had begun to fade. Not only the lyrics but the notes that accompany them can be reminders of something that was, that is, or that is never going to be. When we are reminded of this, we are faced with the harsh reality of life that things don’t always work out how we wanted them to.

This idea of things not working out how we wanted them to is not only a constant theme in my life but for a lot of the people around me. There are times I genuinely feel guilty because I have no right to feel as if life is unfair. Then there are other times where there is an overpowering sense of sadness, confusion, and hurt that becomes justifiable. It sometimes feels as if fate has dealt me a difficult hand, and I am scrambling to make the right move in order to win. It can feel at times as if I am on this never-ending quest to find complete happiness and balance in every area of my life.

If I do make the right move in one of the critical areas (work, social, love, self) and take a few steps forward, it usually comes at the cost of two steps back from another area. I have found it physically impossible to align and have all critical parts of my life working in sync with each other and well.

I think it’s getting harder than ever to maintain a balance and not put pressure on ourselves to have all these areas sorted out.  The older we are getting, the more educated we are on the realities of life and the opportunities it could potentially reward us with if we play our cards right, or vice versa the opportunities we could potentially miss out on.

It is a heart and soul-crushing experience to acknowledge and be made aware that something you wanted for yourself so desperately has not and will not ever work out, even more so to accept it. When things don’t work out, I used to ask why me? A sentiment that can be as mentally debilitating as it is depressing. I then started asking, Why not me? And while in theory, the addition of a word that changes the sentence to one of determination and echoes the idea of positivity, it has only burdened me further. I have learned that I’m not alone in interpreting this sentence as more pessimistic than optimistic.

We are told everything happens for a reason, a comforting sentence to some, but to me, it sends a sharp throbbing ache through my stomach. Whenever I hear those words strung together or tell someone them (which Is often) it is a reminder that yet another thing has not worked out or is not going how we initially hoped for.

So what next? If the pity party were to continue and I was to live my life wondering why me? every time life just didn’t work out,  It would be like living just to be alive instead of being alive to live.

I have to remind myself and sometimes my friends to take a step back and out of our world. We need to realise that getting kicked while we are down is only going to build more resilience and help shape who we become. More importantly, it is imperative that we remember some people are suffering far more than we ever will and might not be afforded the same opportunities we have been. While it can be tricky (very tricky)  to remind ourselves we should be grateful for where we are, what we are doing and the people we have met and lost.

That does not mean for a second that your feelings are not valid. I think it just means that because we have the luxury of having room to move and take different routes, or play our hand a little differently than we initially would, then maybe we use these upsets to do just that.

At the end of the day we are all just trying to figure out life, so maybe now is the time for us to scramble and feel lost because we have the rest of our lifetimes to feel settled. For now, and this is to everyone who feels like they are not getting a break, let’s keep at it, let’s have our dreams and high expectations and have a belief that good things really do come to those who wait. We are all books that are still being written, and ours might just have a few more chapters than the others.

So, when you go to ask, Why not me? Just know whatever it is or whoever it is, was just not quite ready for you ……. but boy oh boy you just wait, big things are coming for you. I know it.

 

As always never be a stranger.

-M x

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